hashtag waterkate

WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE: Kate Middleton

Who, me? Caring about the royals? Yeah, right. I save my obsessive thoughts for JFK Jr, OJ Simpson, and my own tragic lifestyle.

OR SO I THOUGHT. There are few purer feelings on this earth than the communal slide into a group psychosis, and that’s what we all experienced on Sunday, as we saw a suspicious photo from the royal family and our imaginary detective hats collectively rose onto our idiotic heads. 

I’ll return to the beginning of the drama, so you don’t have to. I’ll tell it the only way that matters…through posting. 

Kate Middleton was last witnessed by the public on Christmas, on what I can only assume is some sort of Christmas pap walk with her royal children. Okay, it was actually them leaving church. Whatever, same thing. As far as I know, nobody suspected that things were about to go awry. There was talk of her and William going to Italy in January? None of anything like a…planned non-cancerous stomach surgery…

It feels important to point out that there was no mention of planned surgery at this point, because if there had been, I would be less inclined to indulge in some of the theories that I later reference. The reasoning being: if they had actually announced a planned absence in late December or whatever, that would really cut down the likelihood that something surprising and untoward happened. However, every announcement has been retroactive.

It’s not until January 17th, a little over three weeks later, that Kensington Palace (which I now know thanks to hours on Tiktok is commonly referred to as KP,) announced that Kate had just undergone (versus was about to undergo) a “planned” abdominal surgery.

Something I learned a hundred years ago, being 12 and reading way more Mary Higgins Clark books than is advisable for a 12 year old, is that if a random detail (or, in this case,) a random word, is added to a media announcement, there is usually a reason. Why did they need to say the surgery was planned? To prempt the idea that it might be unplanned? To double down on the idea that they definitely have a plan, the plan for her being gone for three months (if not more) is absolutely normal and on track with said plan? Hmm…

The next few weeks are relatively tame and seem like they could be going according to whatever perhaps fake or perhaps real plan exists (or doesn’t exist.) William visits Kate at the hospital (January 18,) I turn 33 (January 24,) KP claims that Kate is leaving the hospital to go home (long time in the hospital for a routine surgery methinks….also did she even leave the hospital? We have no evidence…anyway) (January 29,) and before that, Charles visited Kate in the hospital before he goes in for his own prostate cancer surgery. Which no one cares about because Kate middleton is maybe dead or missing. Anyway… 

Throughout February, there were people who had begun to question this chain of events, but it had yet to reach threat level midnight. There were enough people who realized that something was amiss, however, that the palace felt the need to release a statement at the end of February: "Kensington Palace made it clear in January the timelines of the Princess’ recovery and we’d only be providing significant updates," they said. "That guidance stands.”

So, they knew that a subset of the population was suspicious. Also during February, a Spanish journalist, Concha Calleja, stirred the sticky clumps from the bottom of the old pot by claiming that Kate was in a medically induced coma from surgery complications. The palace was like no, dawg, what, but then…William skipped his own godfather’s funeral for ‘personal reasons.’ AND, someone who is somehow a part of the royal family because apparently it is actually giant (who knew)…SHOT himself in the HEAD…and he was also Pippa’s ex-bf? Meanwhile this is supposedly all unrelated.

Just a couple of days later, on March 4, the first evidence of Kate actually still existing appeared. Sort of. A lady was photographed as a passenger in a car. TMZ published it. Lady is supposedly Kate, and the driver is supposedly her mom, Carole. 

The very next day, the British Army posted that Kate would be attending some annual event in June, but then…removed the post almost immediately. Hmm. HMM!

Then, of course, was the day that everyone (myself included) who thought we were normal, not obsessed with royalty, non-conspiracy theorists, realized that we were in fact all of the above: Photogate, Kategate, Waterphoto, WaterKate (might be my favorite??) 

When my future nieces and nephews ask me what my reaction was when someone (not Kate Middleton!) posted the fake Easter photo, I will tell them that I immediately had the uncanny valley: something simply wasn’t right. I didn’t have to think about what wasn’t right for very long, because everyone else agreed and they were tweeting.

In other words, the people were NOT DOWN to fall for this. Never anger the group of people who can only collectively be called “too online.” They will ruin your conspiracy and they will ruin your life. 

While we waited for the next shoe to drop, people obviously started being funny as hell:

And then came….THE KILL NOTIFICATION.

“While there was no suggestion the image was fake, AP pulled the photograph from circulation because it did not meet its photo standards. AP’s editorial standards state that images must be accurate. AP does not use altered or digitally manipulated images.” 

The media mavens of the internet say that the photo being killed/pulled by AP, Reuters, etc, is unprecedented. I am choosing to believe them because that is the most dramatic turn of events. AP is pissed, AP will not stand for this, Reuters…welcome to the resistance.

In the morning, whatever fuckass twitter account is supposedly William and Kate posted this: 

This was just truly a lol. And from a lol, the people continued to clown. 

Once TikTok is on the case, it’s Joever. So it wasn’t just some simple photoshop (not that anyone believed this in the first place,) but in fact, pictures from an entirely different date. Hmm…. we are in the midst of a masterclass about how you can simply not fuck around on the internet anymore. The people will find out! 

You’d think that at this point, KP would realize that the jig is up, at least in the sense that they shan’t be getting away with releasing weird sketchy bullshit anymore. But no, they do not realize, because the next image they release is of K/W in a car, but K is turned toward a brick wall? And you can’t see anything but her silhouette? Which could truly be the silhouette of Many Women, including her sister, a family nanny, and someone William may be having an affair with?! Who are all aristocratic-nosed thin-faced brunette women?

Concurrently, some papers were *coincidentally* (or not) posting about a lady with an absolutely ridiculous title: the 7th Marchioness of Cholmondeley, who, to save you some time, is William’s maybe side piece.

Meanwhile, we have some tweets speculating about the 4-D chessness of it all; the British Media and KP’s shadow pressure moves on one another.

THE ROYALS HAVE LOST THE MIRROR….

this is what I live for

The backing of the entire Royal Rota? What do those words even mean? I love to learn.

Someone explain this to me in greater depth…I need it…for my health.

People are, of course, attacking this from all angles on TikTok as well. For fellow new obsessives, I think it’s worth a lil Tok browse, but over there it’s a little less funny than Twitter, and a little more summarizing with talking heads of Gen Z content creators. Which is fine. That is what TikTok is for. Also, a trend I’ve never noticed before of monotone voiceovers seemingly just reading news over slideshows? Sure.

As one might imagine, If you go too deep into TikTok, you do get some of the really weird stuff that best be avoided (I did see some mentions of reptilians.) But, between the apps, there are also lots of theories that are actually somewhat plausible while not edging over into actual psycho conspiracy people. 

SOME THEORIES FOR YOUR PERUSAL:

PREGNANCY THEORY VIA MIRA GONZALEZ AND BRAD LISTI

FYI…the reason I haven’t talked about Thomas Kingston more is that I’m literally too obsessed with the possibility that he’s involved and I need to wait for more to come out to weigh in!!!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Honestly, I think he punched her too hard and hit the wrong part of her head and now she’s…not correct. I don’t like it! That’s just my intuition. I wouldn’t believe this if the hospital thing had come out BEFORE she actually disappeared, but…that was not the chain of events. They didn’t start talking about any kind of hospitalization until she was already in the hospital. 

I’m obviously not the only one to notice this. From Salon: “People’s royal reporter wrote that Kate’s hospitalization wasn’t planned for: “The carefully guarded news about Kate’s situation came as a surprise even to those who work closely with the royal family, PEOPLE understands.” Page Six later reported the same.”

Others on social media have had similar speculations. It’s dark, yes, but, anyone can be a perpetrator or a victim of domestic violence.

MENTY B

Similar lines:

MORE ON DIVORCE: 

AMPUTATION:

Is this serious? Maybe not…but did I see an FDR reference? Maybe. Did someone text me about how she’s always sitting down now? Well well well…

COLOSTOMY BAG:

FWIW, this is the option that won my Twitter poll on the topic:

And, of course, the various plastic surgery theories. I don’t need to post any more tweets they’re all over your timeline. And some rehab theories on TikTok. And eating disorder recovery. Oh boy!

I feel excited about the next few weeks of finding out what is really going on. Maybe this is because I’m unemployed and depressed and need things inside the house that don't cost money to keep me sane. And, you know, maybe this is all a big bag of nothing.

Or! Maybe! We’re at one of those weird inflection points, like when Franz Ferdinand got shot and then what do you know, it’s WW1. I don’t think that specifically a world war would be started — as the past few years have shown us, a Big Weird Event can be anything — but I do think that this could be the beginning of things across the pond getting Weirder and Weirder. And when things get Weirder and Weirder with capital W’s, it goes like that analogy of the frog in the water, where he’s just chilling and then he’s boiling and dead. Who knows where we’ll be in a few weeks or months? I’m putting my vote in for SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN, and I am happy. I feel enveloped by the chaos. I feel safe knowing that whatever’s happening is probably darker than any of my stupid little problems.