~~the year so far~~

everything sucks pt 8299

Here we go again, amirite? Anyone else feel like every year since the pan-de-mie feels existentially wrong and like we are all secretly many years younger than we are in a close-yet-distance universe? Oh, what am I hearing through my earpiece? EVERYone feels that way? Well, at least we’re all in this together. I guess.

I’m with Krang on this one. The golden era. Life was still ahead of us. Etc.

The beginning of the year should be a hopeful time, but this past few years, a ‘no, it cannot be’ vibe has taken over. Now we are filled with ennui and it’s hard to fully embrace the tabula rasa mentality that once characterized a new year. It’s giving…

The theme of my year thus far is something along the lines of “disgusting cleansing.” In the sense of, some things have been disgusting, but they have also been cleansing. For instance, the day before New Years Eve, I got a disturbing text message from someone I’d been interested in slash hung up on for a while, and though the contents and context of said message were disgusting, they were disgusting enough to cleanse me into taking out that particular piece of trash and leaving it behind in 2024. I.e., uncomfortable, but ultimately for the best.

Note to Substack: if there was a feature where you could paywall just a little part of your post and then have it go back to public, I would use it. Instead, I’m just going to vaguely gesture at things that have happened through clues and ephemera…

I can’t really assess yet if disgusting cleansing is just a me thing or a larger trend. I feel like the larger trend continues to be … nonsense? Scary nonsense? Any of my loyal readers have thoughts here?

Either way, the nonsense that is modern life continues: Bono writes about what liberation requires for The Atlantic (?!), Justin Trudeau announces he’s resigning,

Tiktok almost went away but then it didn’t … can we talk about this? Has it become a full nothingburger? Or may it still leave? Does anyone know? 

Neil Gaiman revealed as a sex pest abuser squared. I was too disgusted to read the entire article so I just read the Hollywood Reporter summary. I certainly got the gist!

Barack and Michelle divorce rumors: I’ve never wished for anything more? I think about it every day?

Why? Um, I don’t know, because it would be messy and funny and cool. I always theorize that truly big time couples like this (Jay Z and Beyonce, that level, don’t care about anyone below) are super unlikely to get divorced because … who else would they marry? Or even date? (In this case, Jennifer Aniston, of course.) So, I wait every day for one such couple to Do It so I can see what they would do in the aftermath. I don't care if this sounds uncaring or whatevs … war criminal I’m just a girl etc…

Inauguration was an insane day in theory but it simply passed like any other? And now we are in a second Trump term? Yeah I’m not going to start believing Time is real anytime soon, that’s for sure.

David Lynch died and it was very sad, people brought out some incredible moments from his life in memoriam ….

TBT, pour one out (for both David and Bernie campaign, always)

Pamela Paul is OUT at NYT opinion!

My birthday is in January, and my new years party was a hit despite an evil person trying to throw a wrench into it, so I thought, perfect, time to throw another party. 

I was goofing off in Partiful and just decided to call the party Secrets Revealed, though I really had no idea what I meant by that. I just love secrets, and secrets revealed is of course an iconic reality tv tagline. It served me well because some people said they were double-inspired to come to the party purely to find out what secrets reveal meant. I was also excited to find out what it meant.

I hosted a couple of friends from college who recently moved upstate the weekend before the party, and they suggested that I make the Activiy based on the classic internet phenom Postsecret. I considered this a genius idea because as a teen, I was obsessed with Postsecret. I had like four of the books and I would even make my own little postsescret books – more on this later.

In case you don’t remember PostSecret, people sent secrets on postcards to some guy. It was a whole thing. Some classics:

(Obviously this is my favorite of all time lmao)

The day before my birthday, I threw a wrench into my own plans by going to a Drift Party. No offense to The Drift, love the editors and they throw a great party but … this is a place where nothing good happens! My friend once puked so bad she had to get carried through the Jane Hotel lobby. I did nothing better.

The first thing that happened when we walked in to the random fancy Greek restaurant at which the party was held is that my friend saw an enemy lurking alone behind us. Or, well, someone we assumed would be an enemy because of their involvement in my previously mentioned New Years near-debacle. We hadn’t actually met this person yet, but recognized them from their Twitter pic, as their Twitter had been another instrumental part of the said debacle. Sorry that I’m like this. I hate my life. We did not speak to the person yet, but we did laugh at the absurdity of our dumb lives.

We ran into many friends, a good time was had by all. Too good of a time, one might say. Because during all of this I was simply … drinking martinis ?! I’m a moron. 

At one point, I was on my way to the bathroom, but someone called my name. It was a friendly ex, flanked by THE TWO PEOPLE I MOST WISHED TO SPEAK TO AT THE PARTY?!

My favorite person (Lake Micah) and my potential enemy (name withheld). My favorite person was entertaining and perfect as usual and in a wonderful turn of events, my potential enemy was incredibly boring!!! The dream scenario! Tooo dull to even be an enemy!

We then watched the potential enemy scamper away to chase after an elder party boy and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

There was also a crazy lady trying to buy us shots but getting distracted b/c she was so drunk, me asking for Fernet and getting offered free Jager instead (which I took, downfall of my night,) and the inevitable lit party appearance of Ray from Girls.

Well, it was all fun and games until I woke up the next morning with a deathly hangover. And then I made another mistake, knowing I needed to eat something – and choosing leftover Chipotle. I was sure I’d be better by the time of my party – but as the hours ticked by, it became apparent that I’d be … not better.

Many a person asked me why I didn’t cancel the party. Well, I thought I would get better! I rarely have an all night hangover! Also, idk, whatever, the show must go on.

My friends came to the rescue – a few people came over early and helped clean the apartment, set up snacks, etc, and one special friend was tasked with making an official SECRET BOX in my secret upstairs lair.

People started to arrive. I was, alas, coming back and forth from the bahtroom, PUKING. I know. So embarrassing. 

One of my friends had finished decorating the SECRET BOX, so another started walking around and giving people papers to write a secret on. Then it goes in the box, then we read it later, etc.

When I came downstairs from one of my tragic bathroom trips, I heard that my SECRET BOX was already causing the drama it asked for. My cousin was ranting to one of my friends about how it was “just like me” to have a have a SECRET BOX at my party.

“This is all she ever does. Talks about secrets and then you know what she’s going to do next?! Write about them! Of course she conned us into this party and now she’s going to write about it!”

Through my sickness I could still laugh. I don’t even know if I would have thought to write about it if she hadn’t said it! But it’s true, I am an evil puppet master of secrecy.

Despite me lying on the couch like a consumption victim, the party was (for everyone else) a success. I can be a bit of a party micromanager, so it was actually good to be physically unable to flit around the room making sure everyone had a conversation partner, and rather watch from my sickbed as people met each other without my intervention.

SECRETS FROM THE SECRET BOX

 I am DESPERATE to know who this is! I kept looking around the room from my sickbed and looking at various fiancés and wondering who they could possibly look like! If this was you please tell me! For my health!

Not one but two cousin-themed secrets…

And, last (of this brief showing) but not least, here’s the callback to my earlier statement about making your own PostSecrets:

Touché to my sister…

If you’re wondering why I’m like this…i.e. forcing people into a mini social experiment as I lay dying at my own birthday…

 Anyway, despite my being stupid and hungover, the party was a success. Life went back to normal. I healed. Meanwhile, some discourses….

There was a whole NYMag story about some Trump freaks … partying? Ok word I’ve been partying since 2007 but I guess if that’s newsworthy these days …

And yes, better parties, consistently. This looks like a joke! Apparently one of the girls was “the hot one” but again … in the words of Sandra Diaz-Twine … I don’t know about that …

Also she’s a sorority president? Bitch I look younger than you.

In some local news … Sean Thor Conroe tried to claim he invented readings.

Mitch McConnell fell down the stairs?

I liked the Super Bowl.

Some thought it was boring, but I think a sweep like that is the least boring way a game can go, in some sense … like why does a game have to be close for it to be interesting? Can we not be interested in the strangeness of a shutout of a wildly successful team? And also enjoying watching those rich men be sad? And then of course, Kendrick performed, brought Serena Williams out, etc. All that is good to me, not boring …

Revenge kings rise up :)

Incredible commercials included Seal as a Seal and Jeremy Strong in a vat.

Never forget!

:(

Also a big night for B/Coops and his loyal fans (me)

And we got this cutie?! Overall great experience everyone who said it was boring is Wrong.

It’s soooo cool by which I mean incredibly embarrassing that Travis had to put this outfit back on to walk out a loser … serves him right …

Normally I am an SNL hater, but I was convinced to watch the anniversary music special with some friends and I … may be a convert?! Just kidding, you will never convince me to like sketch comedy. But Cher?! Incredible. Almost 80 years old!! And David Byrne and Robyn … two Y in a random place in their name kings …

Now planes keep crashing. Not great! We do not love it folks!!!

People kept talking about getting oneshotted. I for one never figured out what it meant.

J.D. Vance face memes EVERYWHERE

ScarJo drops a new iconic line

We reach the present moment. And my new favorite meme.

FIN