west elm whomst?!

prenez un grip, caleb

So, this whole West Elm Caleb thing. I won’t bother recounting it for you, because if you know about it already that would be boring, and if you don’t know, I want to spare you. It’s not worth it. 

The reactions I’ve seen to this saga seem to mostly be either ‘west elm caleb = abuser’ or ‘west elm caleb did nothing wrong.’ Neither is true! Like many things in the age of the internet, the answer lies somewhere in the gray matter between ‘lovebombing/abuse’ and ‘totally fine and chill way to behave.’ He’s not an abuser, but he definitely did a few things wrong. I am not going to watch all of the videos (I am not going to watch any of the videos) but from the articles that I’ve perused about the videos, I’ve seen some behavior that is ‘not great’ and other behavior that is ‘whatever.’ 

Not great: saying you want to be exclusive with someone while actively dating other people. While not, you know, illegal, this is what I would call ‘trickery.’ Simply not a good practice. Don’t do it! 

Not great: lying on your dates about your usage of apps. Again, not Hague-worthy, but it’s what one might call a ‘red flag.’ The thing about lying is that it is a Problem in relationships, and if you catch someone in lies in the first few dates, you should … not date them! Lying about your Hinge usage isn’t inherently evil, but that level of comfort with obfuscating your dating history is, once again, a red flag, and to be avoided :) 

Whatever: Ghosting. Sigh. I don't’ like being ghosted anymore than the next person, but I also believe in equal-opportunity to ghost: if you have ever ghosted, you must support ghosting as a practice. So, alas, I am going to “whatever” the ghosting claims.

 Whatever: recycling the same spotify playlist. What? Stupid, but not abusive. 

Serial dating in and of itself isn’t really a problem – after all, you could call someone like me, a weird but lovable freak who just happens to not currently have a boyfriend, a serial dater. But if you’re dating so many different people with such high intensity that the women can find each other in the comments section of TikTok, well. You might want to sit down and think about why you do that! Again, it’s not abuse, but like….do you maybe date that much because you’re so hyped out on app culture that you have unrealistic standards and believe that there will always be a hotter skinnier sexier girl around the corner if you just do one more swipe? Idk! I’m just asking questions! 

There are things to be learned! Don’t doggedly pursue people you aren’t sure about! Be normal! In the first few weeks of dating, you’re sussing out if you really want to start a relationship or not. Don’t go crazy over them and then ghost once you realize that you were just chasing the high of a new fling. Men, take note! If you don’t want to be the next West Elm Caleb, just…be chill!  It’s! Not! That! Hard! 

The thing about bad casual dating behaviors is that, though in short term we should all simply brush our shoudlers off and move on, it is true that these small things can really fuck you up over the course of time. I am not proud to say this! I am a sad and embarrassed and bruised girl! But yes, if you are subject to the meat-grinder of NYC dating for years on end, you do come out psychologically damaged.

In the USA Today recap, a psychiatric nurse is quoted: "It can cause depression, feeling unwanted, feeling as if there's something wrong with you, insecurities, when there may not be anything wrong. This is just what the person intended on doing from the very beginning. You question yourself and your very existence. People sometimes become suicidal behind it or self harm, unfortunately."

I know the cool-girl response here is to say that this quote is overblowing it, but sadly, it’s not. I refuse to go into my own history right now because I’d rather think about literally anything else, but. Alas. 

Honestly, my main takeaway of West Elm Caleb is that he seems like a LOSER. Like: “Some of the women said they realized that he sent them the same word-for-word messages as he sent to other girls and made identical playlists under different names to send to multiple women. Two of the commenters said he promised to name a couch after them.” (via Insider)  COME ON!!!! Prenez un grip Caleb!!! And prenez un grip everyone who fell for that!!! 

You should always assume that the way you treat people will follow you and potentially become common knowledge. Especially if you’re on the dating apps in NEW YORK CITY. Like, get a grip sheeple, learn your lesson! Everyone talks! You shouldn’t exhibit behaviors in casual dating that you wouldn’t want your friends to find out about – because they probably will! Casual dating is not a secret icebox that is hidden from the rest of your life. Even if you aren’t WestElmCaleb’d on Tiktok, if you are a normal person with a job and friends and family, someone will probably eventually hear about you from someone who you briefly dated. It’s just like, social life? This just feels so basic to me! 

Women are not disposable, don’t treat them as such. Fin!

The backlash to West Elm Caleb saga seems to be that he’s a victim of the whole ‘so you’ve been publicly shamed’ Justice Sacco bit. Ok. I see this point. But also, lol. Guys, everyone lighten up! West Elm Caleb is going to be fine!

The women who ‘outed’ WEC are also not ‘bad.’ They are people. They were hurt in dating and they processed their hurt through social media. Obviously in an ideal world we would all process our dating mishaps solely through friendship and therapy, but that is not the world we live in. The fact that the women found each other and built on their shared experiences is just a thing. That’s just the internet. It’s how it works. It’s not good or evil. It’s neutral!

West Elm Caleb does not deserve to die. But West Elm Caleb, and all men, (and, I know, women,) should think before they act on the apps. Everyone should make the effort to be a decent human. West Elm Caleb’s punishment has perhaps been too great for his crime, but hopefully it nonetheless taught him a lesson. This also all taught me a lesson: I’m so tired.

I have a wee bit of an inside scoop on West Elm Caleb, because I have a source who…used to be his boss. Yes, this is true, I am not making it up. My source said that he is not going to be fired. So all you Caleb-defenders can breathe easy. His career is not ruined. His life is not ruined. The outrage cycle will move on.