worst songs ever (for torture)

Just as the moon replaces the sun in the sky every night, the discourse eventually coems around to discussions that Blair and I have had during a night at Burp Castle, the Gregorian Chants bar in the East Village. This time, the group discussion is about what is the worst song ever. I think it started with a video of Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros going randomly viral, but honestly, it could have started somewhere else and then paused there and blown up — truly, who is to say?

Like, yes, I did have a moment on drugs to this song at the ONLY music festival I EVER went to with my college bestie. I’ll always have a soft spot. Many songs are worse. As you’ll see. The song discourse continued:

Meanwhile, little did the people know that this debate was settled eons ago. Blair and I’s discussion began because at the time I worked at a bar where I could control the music. Normally I cared about making amazing playlists, and I regularly got compliments from the patrons on my seamless integration of old, new, vibe, strange, etc. But on that particular night, I was angry b/c my crush at work wasn’t texting me back. 

We had bonded over our shared taste in music; it was a large part of why I’d developed a crush in the first place. That, and workplace boredom. I didn’t yet know if he liked me or not (spoiler: he did not,) but in that moment we were texting on-and-off and there were some positive indications. But at Burp Castle, the texts were not texting, I was in a bad mood, and as alchemy does, the elements were correct and something beautiful was created. 

That moment was Blair and I deciding to come up with a playlist of the worst songs ever. The idea being that if he continued to not text me back, instead of playing a charming playlist full of bangers, I could play an evil playlist for torture. So, to get my mind off of the issue at hand, and for fun, we began to make the playlist. 

So instead of continuing to read all these tweets about the worst song ever, treat yourself to the worst PLAYLIST ever. (for torture.) 

Now some folks have already seen this playlist, and said that some songs aren’t so bad. That’s not the point … they’re not all bad in isolation (though most of them are…) the point is, if you were forced to listen to the playlist in its entirty, those songs would make the entire experience that much more bizarre and heinous.

Some songs are bad in the way that they’re also good. Like, obviously I love Crazy Frog. But it needs a spot on the list. I LOOOOVE Picture by Kid Rock feat. Sheryl Crow, but, nonetheless… Hide and Seek had its moment in the finale of The O.C. season 2. But it’s still worked its way into the vernacular in a way that warrants its inclusion on the playlist.

Others are just classic entries into the bad songs canon. Happy by Pharrell, My Shot from Hamilton, Friday, High Hopes, How You Remind Me, Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)…

We have the things you better put on your DO NOT PLAY list at the wedding or you’ll be screwed: the Electric Slide, Who Let the Dogs Out, Y.M.C.A, I Gotta Feeling, Uptown Funk, Shots, Get the Party Started, Party Rock Anthem (with a bonus of the Chipmunks version also included!)

Some of these songs haunt me in my dreams. I still think about a horrid time at summer camp when the worst counselor ever (for torture, indeed,) forced me, as a Riding Instructor in Training, to dance along with teaching the children the Cotton Eyed Joe dance after a full day of barn work. I can feel my body wilting. That one’s for you, Katie.

You’ll notice we have a few Glee Cast Versions of songs. Acapella deserves its own spot in the hell that is this playlist. Same w/ the Kidz Bop versions.

Some of the songs do have the same vibe as Home. We got Hey There Delilah and Somewhere Only We Know.

In another moment of us being culturally ahead of our time, we had Bring Me To Life on this playlist long before Season 2 of The Rehearsal.

To be clear, I have nothing against New York New York or the Twin Peaks theme song. But again, put it together with the rest of the list. They just belong there. Also RIP Avicii, no offense … Levels just Belongs.

I love it when the Stars get involved in A Discourse.

Much of this discourse is a period of historical revisionism, b/c tbh i somewhat agree with this man … there are flops ofc, but for the most part I have major nostalgia and if you put on a playlist of just these songs, it is NOT for torture, it is, instead, for vibes. Sure, I did go to college in the Obama era which was this exact era so I’m blessed to think of outdoor parties in an environmental studies building sunken ampitheater, being wasted in the sunshine, high climbing the mountains, etc, instead of … idk what else was going on b/c I was so busy being fun.

And yeah add to that that life felt worth living b/c hte universe DID feel on a trajectory towards good?! Kill me.

Whatever, I’m all for it. There’s lots to be said about that era. Like looking back yes it was bad and headed towards the end of the world but also … everything sucks why not enjoy a revisit of the Silly Days.

The real losers are, per usual, us, the critics.

Let me know what you think our best picks are. I have a few secret favorites I didn’t mention. And what you’d include — this playlist is over (My final inclusion comes on the recommendation of Emily Gould — Date R*pe by Sublime.) But maybe together we can create a second-worst playlist ever (for torture.)