the beautiful idiots guide to gifts

sure, not everyone can have good taste, but I Can

I am either perfect or negligent at gift giving. I either get an excellent gift or I just don’t bother at all. I think this is fine. Why give a gift if you’re going to give a stupid one? We all have enough crap. Famously me, most of all! Which actually makes me sooo qualified to tell other people what to buy, because I’ve bought lots of things, work for a shopping website, and have unique perfect taste. 

If you’re like ‘oh, I’ve already read too many gift guides,’ remember, this isn’t just about buying gifts for other people, it’s about the opportunity to buy yourself things for a temporary release from the tragedy of modern life, and the opportunity for me to showcase everything I’ve learned about consumerism in my years of spending money stupidly to eventually find the best things. In fact, I lowkey hate the holidays, but I love buying things. Onward! 

I may generally be a frivolous person but my first recommendation is most practical thing in the world and I love it: these sponges by Hawkins New York. Everything that they sell is expensive except for these sponges which are only SIX DOLLARS. And they’re the perfect sponges! I’ve never found anything like them. You can also buy them at Big Night and, inexplicably, Urban Outfitters.

For anyone who has lost their phone, get them a leash. Make fun of me all you want, but at least I’ll never have to have an emergency contact track an Uber driver around the city ever again! 

If you know anyone with an animal over 10 years old, buy them any one of these blankets: trust me, they’ll be grateful. I have like seven. The Paw ones are nice but rather expensive; I liked mine when I had one but I’m pretty sure it fell off my deck. Now I just buy a new one every couple of months from Chewy or Amazon so I can cover all my furniture with them, with extras for Artemis to play with on the floor. Also in this category: pet-specific air purifier! 

My favorite influencer (whatever, I said it, I stand by it,) Ashley, has a whole array of videos about how she fixed her fried hair and now it truly is thick and gorgeous, I’ve been using this Rosemary hair oil for growth and I really do notice that it’s, you know, growing. Lots of new growth at the roots. Honestly Ashley has a ton of good recommendations in general and if you’re willing to accept yourself as a person who has a favorite influencer, I highly recommend her. 

I’ve just discovered the perfect fragrance and since I’m not greedy I’m going to share it instead of hoarding it for myself … and also b/c it’s well-known enough that there are literally commercials for it so it’s not like I oculd hide it anyway …Born in Roma … this is its note profile on the note website that everyones likes. 

Similarly in the fragrance world – my favorite new discovery of a general smell is Oud, which is like … rotted wood on the inside of some tree? Okay, it’s a fungus on an aquilaria tree … word. It smells old and mysterious and expensive.  I now have this candle on subscription, but tons of things are oud-scented so just go find one for a friend who likes that old expensive smell.

It’s true what they say, French skincare is amazing, and now that I’ve tried tons of it in actual France know what to buy online when I’m not in France. Which apparently will be never again since I have no money. Alas. Anyway, at least I can get French skincare stateside! I love: Ialuset Hyaluronic Acid Cream, Nuxe Dry Oil, and anything Embryolisse. And at that parent site you can get many of the things you’d find in France! 

Another influencer-esque person who I admire designed this amazing robe .. it’s a little pricey but it’s gorgeous and does indeed make you feel like you live in an artsy hotel. I’ve worn it napping on a deck on Fire Island and reading Plato to a room of college alumni at a love seminar in addition to many nights at my house.

Another amazing thing to sleep and/or lounge in is this strange and beautiful article called the ‘Glazey’ from Kitsch. Also pricier than one might normally spend on a sleeping dress but … worth it. So silky and warm and long enough to wear outside for a dog walk. Also, my old roommate called me “the boxer” when I wore it. Also, I think that they usually have a deal where you can buy it in both colors (gray and pink) and get a discount. 

I’m not the first person to recommend a fancy sleep mask, but everyone recommends one for a reason! My contribution to the discourse is that you should really get a big one that covers as much of your eye area as possible. There are plenty of larger ones out there, like the rather expensive Drowsy (which I do own from a sale…) but this one, also from Kitsch, is a lot cheaper and also the exact size you should be looking for, for reference. 

I still buy plenty of American skincare. The only brand that I would say I’m obsessed with is Sunday Riley. I try to only buy their stuff when it goes on psycho sales at Sephora once or twice a year (pretty reliably circa Black Friday and I think one other time?) or in value packages because it’s truly Expensive, but it also absolutely never steers me wrong, so if it’s in your price range I highly recommend. I swear by the A+ high-dose retinol serum and the Ceramic Slip cleanser, also love the ICE cream, and will be trying the oils next time I have money.

Most of the time I try not to buy things that are being advertised on the shopping website I work for, but I did make an exception for this lamp that shines into the corner of a room and illuminates everything in a very muted and perfect for nighttime way, depending on how you set it, because … it has an app to customize it to any color you want…the description calls it upscale ambiance lighting, and hey, it’s not wrong. 

Due to some aforementioned issues with “having a dog,” I try to purchase as many things as possible to make my apartment smell good. But everyone can use things that make their apartment smell good! Obviously, you can get candles, scent diffusers, etc, but I particularly like this one little thing that I have which is somewhat of a conbo … you stick a tea light in the bottom portion and put water and essential oils in the top, and the candle flame burns the oils … away. I can’t find the one I got online (it’s amber and all glass and cuter than the ones I’m about to link) but these ones are the same general principle. 

The best kind of kitchenware is the bowl-plate. You know, it’s both a bowl and a plate. I don’t have links to any of the ones that I own but this and this are ones that Ashley (aforementioned influencer) has on her Amazon storefront. Also I think generally if you search for pasta bowl you’ll find something similar. The kitchen item I purchased this year that I consider to be the most indispensable is a mezzaluna. Speaking of kitchen things Ashley recommends, I have this green calcite wine cooler and I am obsessed with it! When I’m not cooling wine (which is…most of the time) I keep my meat thermometers in it :)

Even though I have a dog, she is old and it’s really hot in the summer and really cold in the winter. So I got one of the home walking pads when I realized they’re not really that expensive. I mean, some of them are, but I bought one for less than $100. I don’t have this, but something I want at some point in the future I want to buy one of these carts one uses to store all their exercise equipment. 

It’s actually not really for her … but she enjoys sitting on it and looks cute nonetheless

I read around between 60 and 80 books a year but honestly most of them aren’t worth writing home about. But I still get books for presents at least 50% of the time, so I guess I manage to find ones that are worth sharing. This year has been particularly drab in terms of things I want to buy for other people, but I persevere. 

I just joined a dream group with some alumni from my college, which we call fun therapy, and I’m loving the readings we work from by Gayle Delany, in partulcar Breakthrough Dreaming. It’s not at all like normal dream symbols or Freudian analysis, it’s based in interviews and metaphors from your own life. 

What Remains by Carole Radziwill is Carole’s (yes RHONY Carole) retelling of her friendships with JFK Jr. and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy in the years before they died, as well as her marriage to John’s cousin Anthony who died of cancer the same summer of the plane crash. It’s so sad but also so lovely in the retelling of the happy times in their friendships and love. Best book ever written by a RHONY alum I’m confident in saying! 

JFK Jr. and Carole dancing at her wedding :(

Unfortunately I experienced a lot of death this year, and along with What Remains, Molly by Blake Butler is another book that helped me process it and engage with art that confronts loss directly. I wrote about Molly when I read it last year, and there was much ado made about it online, but I definitely recommend reading it even more now that the online uproar has died down. Stay True by Hua Hsu is also a moving memoir about the death of a friend – hopefully not many of you had the death-laden year that my friends and I did, but if any of you are equally unlucky, any of these books is a good gift.  

Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck is more love and less death but like, a rather dark love. Also the moody darkness of Eastern Europe. If anyone has read this book and knows things with a similar vibe, please let me know, I’ve been looking for something with the same mood since and no luck! 

A couple of years ago I read this absurd action/spy/shooter type of series about a man named Lance Spector (not my normal genre but that’s what the gifting season is for…gifts for all…) so a great pick for people who simply enjoy reading for pleasure and not intellectual losers who do it like a contest (most of us included…) 

The only modern poet I can truly vibe with is Chelsey Minnis, so I’m always going to recommend her and only her in the live poet category. 

Everyone who said that My Body by EmRata was bad is a hater, it was great and I would get it for anyone who isn’t going to be a judgmental loser in the personal essay crowd. 

Maybe not my favorite book of all time, but the book I find myself telling people about over and over and recommending despite how weird it sounds to recommend, is The Incest Diary by Anonymous. It’s as crazy as the title makes it sound, but stunning writing that you would absolutely not expect. Probably a strange gift if we’re really being honest but I can’t talk about books without telling everyone to read it!

A small art print is a perfect gift. If it’s someone you know well I think getting something large and framed is elite, but often you just don’t know what the person wants to do with their house, and a small print can basically sneak in anywhere. I feel like people are always very impressed by this if you find something that has a personal connection between the two of you. 

If I were able to go shopping in person anywhere in the world rn, I would either be at Pigment in San Diego or Fleux in Paris. If you’re lucky enough to be in either location, go to these places and you’ll be set for gifts forever! I am not allowed to find out either of their shipping deals because or else I’ll be further into the poor house than I already am and my house will be fuller than it already is of beautiful but ultimately useless things. 

If I were balling, I would get someone a Curateur subscription. I can’t afford one anymore but ngl when I had it it was fire. I still wear some of the jewelry and I have used up most of the skincare.

For parties and giving gifts to a host: Do a plant! Everyone does wine. Well…you can and should always also do wine, if it’s a party where people are drinking … but if you don’t feel like it, or if it’s less of a wine occasion, I think a plant is so nice. I always do this and everyone looks at me like I’m creative and perfect. 

If you have to get gifts for everyone in a group, say, your family…get a bunch of things of the same category (books, or, uh…whatever else you happen to have a lot of that can be given away…) and make everyone pick one. It’s an activity and a present! People will remember the activity and everyone will have fun. And, you can take books from your house if you’re a freak who has hundreds of books and not spend any money :) 

I know everyone and their mother has already written a gift guide, so if you read to the end of this, thank you for indulging me. I’m working on a revived newsletter plan for the new year, so look forward to hearing from me soon :)